New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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