I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
