weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
