haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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