sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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