Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm bleeding and have questions
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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