just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
