how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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