You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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