U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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