You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize