I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
