drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
They left me at home... I'm a liability
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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