so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
