sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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