Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
