if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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