What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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