I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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