the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
