I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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