The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Welp...herpes.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
