you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
