This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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