I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
lol hangovers are for mortals.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
