I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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