found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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