Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
sarcasm needs its own font
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
