I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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