careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
