A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You can't special order awesome
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
