Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
