when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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