Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
