I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
