you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
