I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
