i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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