I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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