yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
