Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
