I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
