Already got asked if we're dating
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize