Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
