Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
