hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Is Oprah even human
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
