Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
