Moan for me like Helen Keller
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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