You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
