Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize