If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
