yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
