why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
