her vagine was all disorganized.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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