I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
