my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
