pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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